"You're Nothing Compared to Me!"

This is an actual quote, from a father to his eldest son. Add on, "...at my age" to make the sentence complete. It was delivered on a Sunday evening meal, the end of a weekend visiting the parents. Sally and I left in the middle of the meal to drive back to New York. My mother and step-grandmother were present. I cannot recollect who else, one of my sisters, perhaps. Neither of them would remember such a moment anyway, as they are in total denial about the failure of the father-son relationship. I make all of them uneasy. They feel criticized, even when I do not criticize. I make them feel "insecure." And on it goes. The issue gets back to the notion of "measuring up." I guess the father needs to better better than his father, and somehow, he needs more, he needs to be better than his son. I don't understand this quite, since nothing that I am, I guess, all I want for my daughter--not having a son--is that she be fulflled, happy. I want everything for her, nothing less. I want to give her everything I possibly have to give. I cannot forgive my father because he is emotionally desperate. I cannot forgive him because he tries to crush me. I cannot forgive him, yet according to everyone, I must. I must, somehow, before it comes to an end, make some sort of peace. I must be so steeped in war I cannot see the forest for the trees. A lifetime full of never measuring up and being nothing is bigger than my capacity to say it is all O.K. Sally says I may regret this. I wonder. Alll I can say, right now, is "no, I won't."